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Posts
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Heres a goodie…10 reasons You Might be a Taliban
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean.5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can’t think of anyone you haven’t declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.
10. You’ve always had a crush on your neighbor’s goat.
A man seeking to join a south Texas Sheriff’s Department is being interviewed.
The Sergeant doing the interview says, “Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted.”
Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk, he says, “Take this pistol and go out and shoot
six illegal aliens,
six meth dealers,
six Muslim extremists
and a rabbit.”
“Why the rabbit?” “asked the job seeker
That’s EXACTLY the attitude we want,” says the Sergeant. “When can you start?”
Ive never had the honor of serving myself, but for those of you like Wags and Norm who have served in the military , thank you for your service and for protecting us. Also you may recognize some of these quotes from basic training or from serving.
A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what’s left of your unit.” – Army’s magazine of preventive maintenance.
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“Aim towards the Enemy.” – Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
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“When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. – U.S. Marine Corps
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“Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground.” – USAF Ammo Troop
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“If the enemy is in range, so are you.” – Infantry Journal
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“It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.” – U.S. Air Force Manual
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“Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.” – General Macarthur
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“Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.” – Infantry Journal
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“You, you, and you … Panic. The rest of you, come with me.” – U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
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“Tracers work both ways.” – U.S. Army Ordnance
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“Five second fuses only last three seconds.” – Infantry Journal
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“Don’t ever be the first, don’t ever be the last, and don’t ever volunteer to do anything.” – U.S. Navy Swabbie
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“Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid.” – David Hackworth
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“If your attack is going too well, your walking into an ambush.” – Infantry Journal
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“No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection.”
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“Any ship can be a minesweeper once.” – Anonymous
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“Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.” – Unknown Marine Recruit ————————————————————————–
“Don’t draw fire; it irritates the people around you.” – Your Buddies
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“If you see a bomb technician running, follow him.” – USAF Ammo Troop
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“Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing.” – At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan ————————————————————————–
“You’ve never been lost until you’ve been lost at Mach 3.” – Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
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“The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.” ————————————————————————–
“Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky.” – >From an old carrier sailor
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“If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it’s probably a helicopter — and therefore, unsafe.”
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“When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.”
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“Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.” ————————————————————————–
“What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, …. the pilot dies.”
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“Never trade luck for skill.”
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The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: “Why is it doing that?”,
“Where are we?”
and “Oh Crap!”
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“Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.”
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“Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.” –
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“Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.”
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“A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication.”
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“I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.”
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“Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.”
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“Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.”
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“When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.”
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“Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.”
————————————————————————– Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: “When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible.”
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“The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.” – Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
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“A pilot who doesn’t have any fear probably isn’t flying his plane to its maximum.” – Jon McBride, astronaut
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“If you’re faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible.” – Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
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“Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.”
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“There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.” – Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
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“If something hasn’t broken on your helicopter, it’s about to.” ————————————————————————–
Basic Flying Rules: “Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.”
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“You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.”
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As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks “What happened?”. The pilot’s reply: “I don’t know, I just got here myself!” – Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot )Interesting review of last year by Dave Barry
Tom, My wife and I were going to divorce, but, we both decided we didn’t want to make the other that happy
. After 42 years, im not hiking anywhere !Not sure this is the right place for this, but it did make me smile. What the heck is going on? We hear about this kind of “stuff” more and more.. Is it stress ?
McNuggets Rage
Cops: Woman put fist through drive-thru window over chicken beef
JANUARY 4–Meet Melodi Dushane. Angered that Chicken McNuggets were not available at an Ohio McDonald’s, the Toledo woman allegedly put her fist through the eatery’s drive-thru window. The January 1 McNuggets rage incident resulted in Dushane, 24, being arrested for felony vandalism and booked into the Lucas County jail, where the below mug shot was snapped. According to a Toledo Police Department report, Dushane pulled up to the drive-thru window Friday at 6:20 AM and ordered “Chicken McNuggets and other dinner items.” When informed that McDonald’s stopped serving dinner selections at 2:30 AM, Dushane began arguing with employee Melissa Vasquez. At one point, Dushane “leaned out of her car, into the window, and punched Melissa in her mouth,” cops reported. When night manager Tia Walker appeared at the window, Dushane took a swing at her, prompting a tussle. When the women separated, Dushane “then punched the drive through window, breaking it” and sending glass flying everywhere. The scene of the alleged chicken crime can be seen here, thanks to Google’s Street View feature. Dushane, next due in court on January 28, has been ordered to stay away from the fast food outlet. Last March, a Florida woman was arrested after she called 911 three times to complain that a McDonald’s was out of Chicken McNuggets. “This is an emergency. If I would have known they didn’t have McNuggets, I wouldn’t have given my money, and now she wants to give me a McDouble, but I don’t want one,” Latreasa Goodman told a police operator. (4 pages)Didn’t Seinfeldt do an episode on this topic?
Brazilian environmentalists tell residents to urinate in shower to save water Wednesday, 05 August 2009 Environmentalists in Brazil are urging the country’s residents to urinate in the shower while washing themselves, to help conserve water and save the rainforest. Television ads being aired in the country claim that by doing so, the nation could save over 1,000 gallons of water per household each year. SOS Mata Atlantica ran the ad campaign in an attempt to use comedy to get people to reduce the amount of water they use. “[The ad is] a way to be playful about a serious subject,” said Adriana Kfouri, a spokesperson for Atlantica.
The animated ad narrated by children shows people, including a trapeze artist, an alien and dancers, all taking a shower while at the same time, urinating in it. The ending of the ad then states, “Pee in the shower! Save the Atlantic rainforest!”
Ken Livingstone, former mayor of London, England, proposed a similar campaign in 2006. He said urine should be classified as a “green waste” and that “there is no earthly reason that you need to flush the loo if you have merely urinated. That’s a huge saving of water.”
Information from: Wikinews, http://www.wikinews.org
Anyone else think perhaps we need to thin the herd a little?
Man decides to clean with gasoline while smoking
Wednesday, 08 April 2009 Ernest Krajniak from Chilton, Wisconsin in the United States has been charged with arson after a lit cigarette ignited gasoline soaked clothes, setting his apartment ablaze. On Friday April 3, Krajniak, 47, cleaned his entire apartment with about five gallons of gasoline, wiping everything down with the soaked clothes. After he was finished, he piled the soaked clothes in the center of his bedroom, lit a cigarette and then threw what was left of the still lit cigarette, into the pile.
Krajniak never called the fire department and never pulled the alarm. Instead he yelled ‘fire’ a few times then walked to the police station where an ambulance took him to a local hospital for the treatment of minor burns. The fire department later arrived to put out the blaze and his apartment was extensively damaged with smoke damage throughout the whole building. 11 other apartments were also damaged, leaving the occupants without a place to stay for at least a week.
“I should have never used that,” said Krajniak during a court appearance on Monday. He admitted to knowing that gasoline was highly flammable. He was arrested and his bond has been set a US$2,500. Krajniak’s next court appearance is scheduled for Monday, April 13. According to WISinfo.com, Krajniak has no prior criminal record.
The careless smoking of cigarettes has been blamed for thousands of fires across the U.S. In January 2008, an unnamed elderly woman in Buffalo, New York was receiving oxygen for medical problems in her home and lit a cigarette and began to smoke it. The oxygen coming from her mask then facilitated the ignition of her clothing, setting her on fire.
In the U.S. in 2002, only 4% of all residential fires were reportedly caused by smoking materials. These fires, however, were responsible for 19% of residential fire fatalities and 9% of injuries. The fatality rate due to smoking is nearly four times higher than the overall residential fire rate; injuries are more than twice as likely. Forty percent of all smoking fires start in the bedroom or living room/family room; in 35% of these fires, bedding or upholstered furniture are the items first ignited.
Information from: Wikinews, http://www.wikinews.org
Tell me there isn’t romance in America
The Government Can:
Iowa Man Spells Out Wife’s Birthday Message in Manure
Updated: Tuesday, 05 Jan 2010, 11:05 AM EST
Published : Tuesday, 05 Jan 2010, 8:24 AM ESTBy myFOXDetroit.com Staff
ZWINGLE, Iowa – Ask this Iowa wife is she got the perfect birthday present and she’ll tell you her hubby “dung good.”
Carole and Dick Kleis live together on their eastern Iowa farm. This year for her birthday, Dick used more than 120,000 pounds of manure to spell out a special message. It basically says ‘Happy Birthday, Love You,’ but in shorthand.
And it only took three hours to spell it all out in a stinky, but mushy way.
“It’s not hard,” said Kleis. “Any manure will work but the good, soft, gushy, warm stuff works the best. It kind of melts the snow.”
Carole say Dick’s birthday is in May and she’s already thinking of ways to beat out his gift.
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