-
Posts
-
In keeping with the thread, I got this from a fabnetter. Its the Bill and Hillary entertainment gift set.
Good news is that I truly out did myself this year with my Christmas
decorations. The bad news is that I had to take him down after two days. I
had more people come screaming up to my house than ever. Great stories.
But two things made me take it down.First, the cops advised me that it would cause traffic accidents as they
almost wrecked when they drove by.Second, a 55 year old lady grabbed the 75 pound ladder almost killed herself
putting it against my house and didn’t realize that it was fake until she
climbed to the top (she was not happy). By the way, she was one of the
many people who attempted to do that. My yard couldn’t take it either. I
have more than a few tire tracks where people literally drove up my yard.”
We have all seen those motivational posters….
This is the “other side”
more at http://www.despair.com/viewall.html#
where there motto is,
Increasing success by lowering expectations
STUPIDITY
Quitters never win, winners never quit, but those who never win AND never quit are idiots.
COMPANY CHRISTMAS PARTY NOTICE:
Company Memo 1
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 1, 2008
RE: Gala Christmas PartyI’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols…feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone’s pockets. This gathering is only for employees!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!Merry Christmas to you and your family,
PattyCompany Memo 2
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 2, 2008
RE: Gala Holiday PartyIn no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we’re calling it our “Holiday Party.” The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
PattyCompany Memo 3
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 3, 2008
RE: Holiday PartyRegarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn’t sign your name. I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, “AA Only”, you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Company Memo 4
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: October 4, 2008
RE: Generic Holiday PartyWhat a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other.Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men; each group will have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men’s table.To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.
We will have booster seats for short people.. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food. The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first. There will be fresh “low sugar” fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply “no sugar” desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
PattyCompany Memo 5
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F*%^ing Employees
DATE: October 5, 2008
RE: The F*%^ing Holiday PartyI’ve had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We’re going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of death,” as you so quaintly put it, and you’ll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing them scream right NOW!
The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die,
The B*tch from H*ll!!!
Company Memo 6
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 6, 2008
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday PartyI’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
Joan
Wags:
I smiled at Tigers Holiday Picture despite its sexism against men. If Tiger had whacked Elin with a golf club, we sure as hell wouldn’t be making jokes about that now would we?
Joe
Most humor is not PC, but most has a grain of truth to it. But, Tiger, in some circles is a hero, if a female had 14 guys she would be whore.. Is that Sexism ?
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.