[Lenny E]

You just can’t make stuff like this up. 

I almost met Jesus from laughing so hard at this. Thank God for church ladies with computers. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins, or were announced in church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals

The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water.The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus

Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say ‘Hell’ to someone who doesn’t care much about you.

Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. 

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. 

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday:”I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.”  

[Sue Turner]

I love it Lenny, being from the Midwest and Southern Baptist country I have seen this before.  For some reason they don’t think of a proofreader. 

Years ago I worked for a printing co. that did the sales adds for Vons, Safeway and other food markets.  We had our own proof readers but things did get by them every now and then.

Vons(one of our biggest accounts) was having a sale on chicken hearts for 19 cents a pound, we ran it as chicken farts for 19 cents a pound  We thought the big Boss at Vons would have a fit but he called us laughing and telling us they had more people coming in asking where they could pick up their chicken farts.

Another one I know of is a listing in the yellow pages years ago under fresh meat was listed a Mortuary

[Lenny E]

Hi William,

Yep I know. I sent that to my Mom, a few Aunts and a cousin or two (all Church Ladies); and they laughed alot. My Mom said that’s sooo true!

LOL at the Mortuary.

[Andy Graves]

What else is there to do at church besides proof read the announcements?

[Lenny E]

Andy,

What else is there to do? Well you can always switch the signs on the ladies and mens bathrooms when another Church visits (after people have gone into each one).

I was 12, and everyone knew it was me, even though there were no witnesses. Go figure.

I couldn’t sit down without pain for a month after my Mom got through switching me. But it was hilarious and totally worth it!

Does that make me a bad person?  

I used to constantly stay in trouble in Church. But fortuneately I think my Mom beat the hell out of me early, and put me on the straight and narrow.

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