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General (Chapter 1)1.) Never take a beer to a job interview.2.) Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.3.) It’s considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.4.) If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.5.) Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.Dining Out (Chapter 2)1.) If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.2.) Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.Entertaining in your Home (Chapter 3)1.) A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.2.) Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.Personal Hygiene (Chapter 4)1.) While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.2.) Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.3.) Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.Dating Outside the Family (Chapter 5)1.) Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.2.) Be aggressive. Let her know you’re interested: ‘I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.’3.) Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say ‘Monday.’ If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.4.) Always have a positive comment about your date’s appearance, such as, ‘Ya’ll sure don’t sweat much for a fat gal.”Weddings (Chapter 6)1.) Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.2.) Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.3.) For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.4.) Though uncomfortable, say ‘yes’ to socks and shoes for this special occasion.5.) It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.Driving Etiquette (Chapter 7)1.) When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.2.) Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.3.) When sending your wife/girlfriend down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.4.) Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.5.) Do not lay (burn) rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.Why it is Difficult to Solve Hillbilly Crimes (Chapter 8)1.) All the DNA is the same.2.) There are no dental records.
Hi ya’all, glad you enjoyed that. I come from Hillbilly stock from West by God Virginia. That thing cracked me up. I sent it to Ma. Uncle Barrett and her like Hillbilly jokes and are always seeking them out, so I try to provide.
I don’t know why, they just do. Maybe its akin to black folks calling each other the N word (I’m not going to say that).Hey my N and this that and the other.
When I was young I used to be ashamed of my Hillbilly roots, but now I revel in them.
I guess I came full circle.
BTW I always identify people in my yard B4 shooting at them!
BTW David, don’t feel bad about the name on the belt. I used to put my name on my buck knives. That can become a detriment if you leave them stuck in someone!
Andy,
I almost died laughing at the bowling shirt line. What makes it even funnier, I have witnessed that! Swearsies!
When I got to the part .”.Dating outside the family”, I was through for a spell. I almost had a heart attack from laughing so hard.
Hillbilly jokes and W Wa are near and dear to my heart.I used to work for a guy who married a lady from W Va. who I also worked with. I was relentless with the W Va jokes (hey I’ve heard them all). He used to laugh when I told them but I took her to the point of tears.I was relentless..talking about how we were a middle class family that has a 2 holer outhouse but I heard tell the governor of W Va had a six holer!Then there was this joke .Q: .Why do know the toothbrush was invented in W Va?A: Because if it was invented any where else it would called the teeth brush!This one finally brung her to tears.Q: What is the definition of foreplay in W Va?A: Sis, are you awake?Does that make me a bad person?http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NCa7a8m57jI
Lenny, for you!
Cant beat Ol Ray Wylie Hubbard!Thank you Mr David G. I never heard of that or that song, but when they got to the part about buying SKS’s from a com block country that no longer needed them I had to laugh and exclaimed..”That Ole David G knows me quite well apparently”.
Again thanks for that, I really did enjoy it.
No rest for the wicked, It’s back to work for me. I submitted the comments on the ISFA quartz standard yesterday, now the SS standards looms in front of me to tackle.
Thank you Mr David G. I never heard of that or that song, but when they got to the part about buying SKS’s from a com block country that no longer needed them I had to laugh and exclaimed..”That Ole David G knows me quite well apparently”.
Again thanks for that, I really did enjoy it.
No rest for the wicked, It’s back to work for me. I submitted the comments on the ISFA quartz standard yesterday, now the SS standards looms in front of me to tackle.
“screw you were from Texas”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TZ72nSZZLDEyou’ll probably like “snake farm” too.
Ray might know of you too?Lenny and Tom, do you know why Hillbilly crimes are so hard to solve? The DNA is all the same and they don’t have dental records
A Redneck Love Poem
Susie Lee done fell in Love
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy ’bout it all,
she told her Pappy so.Pappy told her, Susie gal,
You’ll have to find another.
I’d just as soon yo’ Ma don’t know,
but Joe is yo’ half brother.So Susie put aside her Joe
and planned to marry Will.
But after telling Pappy this,
he said, ‘there’s trouble still.’You can’t marry Will, my gal,
and please don’t tell yo’ mother.
But Will and Joe, and several mo’
I know is yo’ half brother.But Mama knew and said, my child,
Jus’ do what makes yo’ happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe;
You ain’t no kin to Pappy.Redneck humor from the two Williams. I laughed so hard I threw some grease out of my mullet. It’s okay, though, I needed to lube the tractor anywho.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pBXf8PTfPQg
Tom I think has seen this. Ah, the things we do.
Well those songs were all inspirational for sure. I have to add this one
I like Guns..a redneck anthem. Now how did I know that would be a country tune before I opened it?See Here. I see a New Zealand flag in the garage there. I think he may be a NZ boy!BTW me and the boys are thinking about coming back to the US ahead of plans armed to the teeth, some are walking and running, riding horses, cHOPPERS, tanks, Helicopters, ultra lights, Mopeds, bicycles, skateboards, scooters, segways, Toyota, Chevy and Ford Trucks with mounted 50 cals (African rebel favs), to tour our National Parks, and dare any Park Ranger to stop some Vet, or senior citizen from walking the trails after paying the fee, taking pix or fine them for ‘Recreating” and we will chase them ‘green shirted Park Service Nazi’s” right back to the Mexican border where they belong (with the rest of the illegal scum).
We had a meeting. What prompted this decision was the fact they kicked Vets out of the national Mall and then let Illegal Aliens (although a small insigificant demo) to demonstrate there! WTF? We even got the Vets and Bikers interested.The US military (the boots, enlisted men as opposed to the chair sitters) aren’t too happy with the “Chump in Chief” either!Yogi Bear and Boo Boo bear, Rocket J Squirrel, Bullwinkle, Howard the Duck, Daffy Duck, Bugs Bunny, Yosemite Sam (he is pissed); Roger Rabbit, and Jessica (she happens to be riding with me): the Aesop’s fable guy and his son,: Mr Peabody and Sherman (of wayback machine fame) and even those nasty Russians, Natasha and Boris Badanoff (in a rare show of solidarity) have thrown in with us. We got us a convoy! We even got the Rubber Duck onboard!In Late Breaking news, the famous Venture Brothers, Robot Chicken, Fritz the cat, Goofy (the dog), Sylvester, Tom and Jerry, Tweety bird, Hermann Munster and family, the Adams family, Clint Eastwood, The Younger Brothers, The James Brothers, Col Quantrill, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, Johnny Ringo, and John Wesley Hardin (killed 44 men in gunfights and was so low down mean he once shot a guy for snoring too loud after warning him twice) have all signed up.Those law dogs..the Earp’s failed to sign on, instead supporting Premier Obama (knowing which side their lying bread was buttered on) although ole Doc Holliday threw in with us. Thanks Doc!After that , it’s on to DC with a truckload of tar and feathers and some good ole stout Texas rope. Do they still have lamp posts in DC?All joking and kidding aside, the US expat community in China AND OTHER COUNTRIES are Livid about this! I would expect very serious repercussions from the ex pat community, due to Obama (Mao Jr.) and his brown shirts, from the land of no extradition over this here stinking, commie low down, lying shit he just pulled!
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